A Desert Kitchen Adventure......

It's 11:30 on a Wednesday night, and I would normally be in bed drifting off to sleep, if not already asleep. So - why am I in my kitchen in my summer nightie, on the phone, standing behind my trash can, holding a cup of water, with a broom and a towel at the ready???

Welcome to Arizona.

After a challenging day at work, I got home and tuned in to my favorite online radio broadcast. Ahhh.... fix my self some dinner, listen, and after the show chat with a good friend. Get some stuff done on my computer, and, realizing it's already 11:00, I go wash my face, change into my nightie, and go to the kitchen to give the cat her bedtime treats.  

As I enter the kitchen, I see something out of the corner of my eye.  What the  hell was that??? Did something just wriggle going behind the trash can?? Crap, do I have a mouse or something? I creep slowly to the trash can, pull it away  from the corner... OMG!! AAHHH!!! Is that, oh shit, that's a snake!!! What the hell? Where did you come from?? How long have you been here?? Shit!! Now what???

Here comes the cat - what's going on? AHHH!!! Kitty - get out of the kitchen!!  So I unceremoniously grab the cat and throw her in to the bedroom and slam the door. 

Back to the kitchen. OK, it's a small snake, you know only a about a foot long. Skinny snake. Baby big snake? Full grown small snake?? No particular markings, however I know that it's not a rattlesnake. But, then again, I'm from SoCal, what the heck do I know about snakes???

It starts toward the patio door, so I step around it and slide open the door and hope I can encourage it to just go out the door --  while gently being pushed by a trash can....  SHIT!! it's going the other way!! NOOOOO!!! Go out the door, not back in!! Fuck - now it's in the tracks of the door, AHHH!!! Now it's under the sliding door and I can only see a small part of it.

So now I'm standing by an open door, hoping nothing else comes either slithering, jumping, or flying in, and I'm afraid to close the door because I don't want to squish the snake in the tracks. And let's just say it's still hot outside and my air conditioning is now cooling my back patio.

Think, Lynette, think. Not exactly when you want to go introduce yourself to your neighbor - "Hey, I know it's 11:15 on a work night and you don't know me very well, but I have a small snake in my house and I don't know whether it's venomous or not, and I'd like you to come help me take it out from hiding under my sliding glass door."

Brain finally starts to kick in....to the Google!! Did you know if you Google "how do I get a snake out of my kitchen" you get multiple suggestions?? Of course, none of them were helpful for my exact situation.

But wait! There's a 24 hour hotline for Rattlesnake Rescue! I know it's not a rattlesnake, but what the heck - how many other options do I have?? I call the number, and a really nice man named Brian answers. I tell him of my current situation, and of course, he asks me to describe the snake. Hmmmm....it's about a foot long, is skinny, AND IS UNDER MY OPEN SLIDING GLASS DOOR. I know it has tan and brown markings, kinda alternating pattern, but not stripes. Of course, my description isn't really helping.  Can I get a picture of it??

So, now I'm on speaker phone, with the phone flashlight on, reaching around the trash can I am standing behind, using a straw to poke the part of the snake I can see to get it to move in order to pose for the camera.  It's not cooperating (gee, I wonder why??)

So then Brian suggests that I get a cup of water and pour it into the tracks to encourage the snake to move. Done. Start pouring the water and that works to get it out from under the door, but is still in the tracks. Good news is, I can now get a photo! Text it to Brian. I am greatly relieved to find that it is a harmless snake. Whew! However, it is still in the tracks of my door. 

His suggestion is that I can go ahead and grab it by the tail and take it outside. BWAHAHAHA! Yup, that's just what I'm going to do. Use a hanger? I don't have the right kind of hangers. Use some tongs? I do not have any tongs. Poor Brian, I am just not cooperating.....

Then comes the great idea to get a broom to help encourage the snake to move. Or get an old towel to throw over the snake if I can get it to come out of the track.  

So, now I am pouring more water in the track, basically flooding the snake out, it works!! It starts to move the wrong direction NOOOOO!!!! Now I get serious with the broom - YOU ARE GOING OUTSIDE WHERE SNAKES BELONG...  

So here's me, pouring water, brooming a snake, dancing around a trash can, all while talking to Brian....

Finally the snake moves in the right direction, he's heading toward the opening, and then starts heading into the kitchen instead of out - NOOOO!!!!

And that's when it happened. I actually grabbed the snake by its tail, and quickly tossed it out the door. 

It's now 11:45, and I say a giant thank you to Brian for talking me through this experience. Is it too late for a drink??

I am now officially an Arizona resident and snake wrangler.  Yeah, add that to my resume.....

My Weapons of Choice

The Unwanted House Guest